Happy Halloween 🎃 👻

For work, my coworker BriAnne and I dressed up as Thing 1 and Thing 2. Then we went to Jeff's HS team state football game (they lost). I ran back home after halftime so I could be there for trick or treaters. Jace came with JD & Alexandra. They took Jace around the neighborhood.  Molly and her BF Kelsen dressed up like the Joker and went to a party in Provo.  Sidney & Jackson were BUMP and a BUMP AHEAD road signs. Super cute with her baby bump!  

 

Celebrating You

Brian and Diana's family met up with us at the cemetery.  I made some warm chocolate chip cookies that I brought with me on that chilly day.  We sat around your headstone and visited before going to Mi Rancherito.  I told the hostess there were 16 of us, including Jace. They piled a highchair up for him so it ended up leaving one empty seat between me and Diana.  Diana said, "that's ok, it's for your mom."  And you know what, it's honestly probably where you would've been sitting. So I took it as a little tender mercy.  I almost thought about ordering a Chile Rellano in your honor, then would need to ask the waitress if their chilies were hot today 😂 but I didn't!

A Year Without You 😢

Somehow an entire year has both crawled, and at the same time, sped by.  I've learned that I didn't just lose you once. I lost you over and over again. A thousand times in a thousand different ways.

Everyday. 

Sometimes multiple times in a day.

Each new event that reminds me of your absence is another loss.

Sometimes I feel as if I'm traveling in two different directions: crawling both further away and closer to you at the same moment. 

I find myself wishing I could just go back to yesterday. 

I'm sad. And lonely.

And that's the reality of loosing you.

I can't fix it. Only carry it.

And a painful part is realizing that the world has remained unchanged while my world was forever changed. 

My world fell out from underneath me, and somehow I was expected to keep on going.

When you went away, so did part of who I was.

I look exactly the same on the outside, but I'm forever changed on the inside.

At times I've wished for the pain of it to go away, then I realize that it's the last piece of you I get to keep.

The quiet moments or sudden tears or the way I smile when I think of things we did and laughed about.

That grief is the thread that still ties me to you in a world that kept moving on without you. 

I've leaned that grief feels like perpetual homesickness.

It's a heart wrenching, gut sinking, empty feeling because I'm homesick for a place I won't have again.

Almost like it was blown from the surface of the earth in one single breath because one of the few people that has known me all the days of my life is no longer here with me.

You knew everything.

You knew how to do and fix everything. Everything.

You knew everything about me - - and you loved me anyway. 

You were MY mom. And I miss you.

So for now, I'll keep smiling at our private inside jokes that we shared. I'll keep having our usual conversations with you when I'm driving down the road and I'll just keep imagining that you're riding shotgun next to me. 

I'll keep your story and your memory alive in my family.

You will always be part of us. Part of me. Part of who I am.

Carving Pumpkins

What a fun day!  I had everyone over for soup and to carve pumpkins. Jens called and said they were on gheir way but Jace was going to knock and trick or treat first in his costume.  He said to video it. So we all show up at the door when he knocked and trick or treated.  He looked so cute in his little skeleton costume!  We were all drooling over him until finally Sidney realized the "actual event" happening....!! Run we all realized Alexandra's costume with the baby skeleton in her belly!   I'm SO excited for them!  Baby #2 is on the way!!

Molly made butternut squash soup and I made creamy chicken noodle soup ( and chocolate cake). Alexandra made little bread bowls and Sid brought some ice cream so we could celebrate Jack's birthday afterwards. Then we carved pumpkins.  We put the voting out to the whole Higgy Bunch and Cade was the big winner with a gift certificate to Outback Steakhouse!