Chick-O-Sticks

 I sit here looking at these little Chick-O-stick candies in my hand. 

Simple little candies. 

Candies that my mom bought. 

Candies that my mom bought for me because she knows I like them. 

She likes them too.

She kept DOTS on hand for Alexandra, licorice for Jeff & Reese's and Chick-O-Sticks for me.  

For me. 

After she passed away, I took all the Chick-O-Sticks out of her candy bowl. The candy bowl she leaves out on the counter. I ate a few and put the rest in my purse. I almost can't even eat the rest because then they'll be gone.  But yet, I want to eat the rest because she bought them to be eaten.  How can such a simple little candy bring out so many emotions in me?

We Laid Her to Rest 😢💔

We held my mom's viewing on Tuesday, November 5th. I went to the mortuary early with Sidney, Kathy and Diana. We got her dressed, dinner hair and makeup.  Then we set out her display table. 

I'm not sure what it was that hit me so hard while getting her ready, but I just kept looking at her body and realizing that it wasn't her.  She was full of love and light and happiness.  Not the empty, still shell of a body that was laid before me.  It dawned on me then that she was still living on and progressing.  This temporary body that she occupied while here on earth was tired and done but SHE wasn't.

She lived on.

It was a beautiful closure.

Although I still miss her desperately.

The following day we had her celebration of life at Salem West Stake Center.  The viewing part before the "funeral" was like normal in the relief society room.  Then instead of going into the chapel for a traditional funeral, we went directly into the gym for a celebration.  My mom loved feeding people, gathering of any kinds and visiting.  So that's what we did.  We had a short 30 minute program.  Jeff conducted, Brent said the opening prayer, I spoke, then Brittany, Suzette sang Come Thou Fount, Sidney spoke, then Jeff spoke.  We fed approximately 250 people soup, rolls, salad, sandwiches and desserts.  Everyone visited and caught up with old friends and cousins.  Then the grandkids sang a closing song of Families Can Be Together Forever and Brian said the closing prayer. 

We went to the cemetery and laid her body to rest. 

I know she would have loved the day!  She would have loved having so many cousins and friends all gathered for her.  She would have loved feeding everyone and visiting. 

 

My Mom Passed Away Today 💔

 I am at a total, complete loss. On a beautiful 73° sunny fall day, my amazing mom slipped peacefully away on Monday, October 28th, at 1:05 PM. And although it has only been seven hours since she left us, I miss her so hard already. My heart is so sad. What am I going to do without her? She was my everything. The most amazing, talented chef of the family. I can't believe I'll never eat her roast and gravy again. She was always perfectly put together with her makeup and jewelry on. She "felt naked" without it. Her home was spic and span. She was the life of the party and relished in time being spent with family and friends . She loved Diet Coke, toothpicks and salt. I know those are the silliest, funniest things, but she loved them still the same. 

I've only spent one Christmas my entire life without her. What am I gonna do this year when she's not there? Who am I going to have Sunday dinner with? Who am I supposed to come and vent all of my problems too? Who supposed to be here now to feed my kids and my husband? She was the best at that! Who is Jeff going to hang out with? He was with her all the time. They were bosom buddies. Who am I supposed to decorate graves with on memorial day? Who's going to watch Millie?

I wasn't ready to lose her. I'm not ready to have her gone. What will I do without her....?

What will I do  

I'm feeling all the feels:

Devastation 

Anger

Loss

Disbelief 

The mourning in my chest is a physical pain

I am completely and utterly heartbroken.😭💔