My Mom Passed Away Today 💔

 I am at a total, complete loss. On a beautiful 73° sunny fall day, my amazing mom slipped peacefully away on Monday, October 28th, at 1:05 PM. And although it has only been seven hours since she left us, I miss her so hard already. My heart is so sad. What am I going to do without her? She was my everything. The most amazing, talented chef of the family. I can't believe I'll never eat her roast and gravy again. She was always perfectly put together with her makeup and jewelry on. She "felt naked" without it. Her home was spic and span. She was the life of the party and relished in time being spent with family and friends . She loved Diet Coke, toothpicks and salt. I know those are the silliest, funniest things, but she loved them still the same. 

I've only spent one Christmas my entire life without her. What am I gonna do this year when she's not there? Who am I going to have Sunday dinner with? Who am I supposed to come and vent all of my problems too? Who supposed to be here now to feed my kids and my husband? She was the best at that! Who is Jeff going to hang out with? He was with her all the time. They were bosom buddies. Who am I supposed to decorate graves with on memorial day? Who's going to watch Millie?

I wasn't ready to lose her. I'm not ready to have her gone. What will I do without her....?

What will I do  

I'm feeling all the feels:

Devastation 

Anger

Loss

Disbelief 

The mourning in my chest is a physical pain

I am completely and utterly heartbroken.😭💔

 

Carving Pumpkins

Pumpkin Carving Day!

I went to see my mom today. She's having a hard time breathing. She can't really even talk. They'll have to drain her lungs again soon I'm sure. Maybe even tomorrow.  I left her with Glen, Kathy and Justin.

I came home to carve pumpkins with my kids. We had so much fun as always!

Molly's Senior Fall Ball

Fall Ball with Kelson Swenson. Sidney did her hair. She and her friends got ready together. They went to dinner at Texas Roadhouse, the dance, the parties afterwards at Aleeya's. They all had a lot of fun.

 

Cancer

I got a text late this morning from my brother Darren, confirming that my mom had cancer. 

Sid, Alex and I had made plans weeks ago to go to Pinners Conference, so I was up in Sandy at the Expo Center, surrounded by thousands of shoppers, bustling shopping booths and people going about their happy day. 

My head was reeling. I couldn't really think straight and was stunned. 

I had believed in my head that she probably did have cancer. But my heart and soul hadn't even opened the door to that possibility yet. 

I had gotten separated from the girls while buying some jewelry for them  I didn't know where they were  my head was swimming and I just began to zig zag my way through the isles.  I done tended up way past them. Didn't even know I had walked past them and to double back to them  a little bit.

How was I supposed to react?  What was I supposed to do?  How was this possible?

They believe it started in her lung.  Although she never smoked a cigarette a day in her life, the secondhand smoke she endured from my grandpa, (her dad) is what gave it to her I'm sure. I always knew she had "smokers lungs" even though she had never smoked. I knew she had asthma from it and other breathing problems.

But I did not expect this.

She couldn't breathe and was having a hard time getting a good breath so I took her to the InstaCare Friday, October 4 in the evening. They gave her a steroid treatment and a prescription for steroids and sent her on her way.

Tuesday, October 8, Caden and Molly had to call the ambulance to come and pick her up because she could not breathe. She was taken to Payson Hospital and placed in ICU for five days.

They drained 3 liters of fluid from her right lung. Tested it, said she was boring and that she didn't have anything wrong with her. And discharged her that Saturday afternoon.

By that following Wednesday, Oct 16th,  Sidney and Molly were driving her back to Provo Hospital. She had black stool and couldn't breathe very well again. They admitted her, and ran a series of tests. EKG, CT scans, ultrasound of her legs, more CT scans, more EKGs, and diagnosed her with a plethora of issues:

 Congestive heart failure

They did a endoscopy and found a bleeding ulcer. Several actually. They took care of them during the endoscopy.

"Extensive" Blood clots in each leg. They didn't even count them. There were so many. That explains her leg pain. They took her in for an emergency procedure to put a block in her artery to keep the clots from coming loose and going through her lungs.

A bed sore that is killing her.

Her kidneys and bowles are barely functioning.

And worst of all, the cancer.   

Las Vegas for Jazmean & Justin's Baby Shower 👶🏼

Sidney and I flew away for a little trip to Vegas to celebrate our dear friends baby shower with them.  We flew out on Thursday, Oct 10th and flew back Sunday night the 13th.  We stayed with Mark and Crystal and had THE BEST time!  Sidney took me to a place she's been dying to try called Din Tai Feng.  It was really good!  We could have watched the chef's prepare the dumplings all day long!  They were so fast at it.  It was fascinating!  Then I took Sidney to see one of my favorite shows, Cirque Du Soleil Mystere.  She was equally awed by it and its now one of her favorites!  We got to go shopping with Marty & Crystal and help prepare the food for the shower.  It was such a fun shower too!  They played lots of fun games that got everyone involved and laughing.  It was decorated so pretty and they got tons of great gifts!  Lastly, we stopped by a little gelato / Italian ice place called Jeremiah's Italian Ice.  It was super yummy and somewhere that we'll need to go back to.  I loved being able to spend one on one time with my Siddy girl.  Mostly I love the adult relationship and friendship we have.  I'm a lucky momma to have such amazing kiddos.