We Laid Her to Rest 😢💔

We held my mom's viewing on Tuesday, November 5th. I went to the mortuary early with Sidney, Kathy and Diana. We got her dressed, dinner hair and makeup.  Then we set out her display table. 

I'm not sure what it was that hit me so hard while getting her ready, but I just kept looking at her body and realizing that it wasn't her.  She was full of love and light and happiness.  Not the empty, still shell of a body that was laid before me.  It dawned on me then that she was still living on and progressing.  This temporary body that she occupied while here on earth was tired and done but SHE wasn't.

She lived on.

It was a beautiful closure.

Although I still miss her desperately.

The following day we had her celebration of life at Salem West Stake Center.  The viewing part before the "funeral" was like normal in the relief society room.  Then instead of going into the chapel for a traditional funeral, we went directly into the gym for a celebration.  My mom loved feeding people, gathering of any kinds and visiting.  So that's what we did.  We had a short 30 minute program.  Jeff conducted, Brent said the opening prayer, I spoke, then Brittany, Suzette sang Come Thou Fount, Sidney spoke, then Jeff spoke.  We fed approximately 250 people soup, rolls, salad, sandwiches and desserts.  Everyone visited and caught up with old friends and cousins.  Then the grandkids sang a closing song of Families Can Be Together Forever and Brian said the closing prayer. 

We went to the cemetery and laid her body to rest. 

I know she would have loved the day!  She would have loved having so many cousins and friends all gathered for her.  She would have loved feeding everyone and visiting. 

 

My Mom Passed Away Today 💔

 I am at a total, complete loss. On a beautiful 73° sunny fall day, my amazing mom slipped peacefully away on Monday, October 28th, at 1:05 PM. And although it has only been seven hours since she left us, I miss her so hard already. My heart is so sad. What am I going to do without her? She was my everything. The most amazing, talented chef of the family. I can't believe I'll never eat her roast and gravy again. She was always perfectly put together with her makeup and jewelry on. She "felt naked" without it. Her home was spic and span. She was the life of the party and relished in time being spent with family and friends . She loved Diet Coke, toothpicks and salt. I know those are the silliest, funniest things, but she loved them still the same. 

I've only spent one Christmas my entire life without her. What am I gonna do this year when she's not there? Who am I going to have Sunday dinner with? Who am I supposed to come and vent all of my problems too? Who supposed to be here now to feed my kids and my husband? She was the best at that! Who is Jeff going to hang out with? He was with her all the time. They were bosom buddies. Who am I supposed to decorate graves with on memorial day? Who's going to watch Millie?

I wasn't ready to lose her. I'm not ready to have her gone. What will I do without her....?

What will I do  

I'm feeling all the feels:

Devastation 

Anger

Loss

Disbelief 

The mourning in my chest is a physical pain

I am completely and utterly heartbroken.😭💔

 

Carving Pumpkins

Pumpkin Carving Day!

I went to see my mom today. She's having a hard time breathing. She can't really even talk. They'll have to drain her lungs again soon I'm sure. Maybe even tomorrow.  I left her with Glen, Kathy and Justin.

I came home to carve pumpkins with my kids. We had so much fun as always!

Molly's Senior Fall Ball

Fall Ball with Kelson Swenson. Sidney did her hair. She and her friends got ready together. They went to dinner at Texas Roadhouse, the dance, the parties afterwards at Aleeya's. They all had a lot of fun.

 

Cancer

I got a text late this morning from my brother Darren, confirming that my mom had cancer. 

Sid, Alex and I had made plans weeks ago to go to Pinners Conference, so I was up in Sandy at the Expo Center, surrounded by thousands of shoppers, bustling shopping booths and people going about their happy day. 

My head was reeling. I couldn't really think straight and was stunned. 

I had believed in my head that she probably did have cancer. But my heart and soul hadn't even opened the door to that possibility yet. 

I had gotten separated from the girls while buying some jewelry for them  I didn't know where they were  my head was swimming and I just began to zig zag my way through the isles.  I done tended up way past them. Didn't even know I had walked past them and to double back to them  a little bit.

How was I supposed to react?  What was I supposed to do?  How was this possible?

They believe it started in her lung.  Although she never smoked a cigarette a day in her life, the secondhand smoke she endured from my grandpa, (her dad) is what gave it to her I'm sure. I always knew she had "smokers lungs" even though she had never smoked. I knew she had asthma from it and other breathing problems.

But I did not expect this.

She couldn't breathe and was having a hard time getting a good breath so I took her to the InstaCare Friday, October 4 in the evening. They gave her a steroid treatment and a prescription for steroids and sent her on her way.

Tuesday, October 8, Caden and Molly had to call the ambulance to come and pick her up because she could not breathe. She was taken to Payson Hospital and placed in ICU for five days.

They drained 3 liters of fluid from her right lung. Tested it, said she was boring and that she didn't have anything wrong with her. And discharged her that Saturday afternoon.

By that following Wednesday, Oct 16th,  Sidney and Molly were driving her back to Provo Hospital. She had black stool and couldn't breathe very well again. They admitted her, and ran a series of tests. EKG, CT scans, ultrasound of her legs, more CT scans, more EKGs, and diagnosed her with a plethora of issues:

 Congestive heart failure

They did a endoscopy and found a bleeding ulcer. Several actually. They took care of them during the endoscopy.

"Extensive" Blood clots in each leg. They didn't even count them. There were so many. That explains her leg pain. They took her in for an emergency procedure to put a block in her artery to keep the clots from coming loose and going through her lungs.

A bed sore that is killing her.

Her kidneys and bowles are barely functioning.

And worst of all, the cancer.