She Can't be Really Gone...

 Every time I went to mt mom's house, I would walk in through the garage. I would let myself in.  If she wasn't sitting right there at the table or in the living room, where I could see her, then I would holler, "mom! Are you in the bathroom?" To which I would hear her reply, "I'm in the bathroom! I'll be right out!" Then I would say, "you're good, take your time!"

After she passed away, I would walk into her house the same way and I would holler, "mom? Are you here? Are you in the bathroom? "And then I would pause and listen because in my head, I would hear her reply that she was in the bathroom and that she would be right out. Then I would verbally reply, "you're good! Take your time! I'm just going to start, putting your patio furniture away. Or I'm just going to start cleaning this kitchen." or something similar. 

I would have these conversations both in my head and verbally every day as a way to say goodbye. I would walk into her garage and see her shoes lined up against the table or her shoes beside her sliding room door, just waiting for her to slip her feet inside of them. So she couldn't really be gone....

Her makeup was neatly organized inside her make up drawer, just waiting to be applied to her face.

So she couldn't really be gone...

Her readers glasses, toothpicks, salt, and mirror were sitting right beside the couch on her TV tray in the living room. Just waiting to be used.

So she couldn't really be gone....

If you turned on the TV, it was still set to Fox News.

So she couldn't really be gone....

Her notebook and pad were still sitting on the table, she was in the middle of makingRred Hat notes.

So she couldn't really be gone...

Her doctors appointment notes were still magnetic to the door.

I look around the rooms and so much of her remains.

I walk in and I take a deep breath and I smell her fragrance. Her lotions and fabric softener and Glade plug-ins that she had all around the house to make it smell pretty. Her smell was everywhere and it smelled so good.

I could still smell her so there's no way she could be gone....

I spent the last couple of weeks cleaning out her house. Giving things away to the grandkids, my brothers, Goodwill, and to the dump.

And now her house is empty of her.

Who she really was. What she did every day.

Where she sat, what she watched and where she cooked.

Can she really be gone?

Her smell is fading with her possessions no longer there. I have to breathe deeper each time I want to smell her.

How can she be.  It breaks my heart. 💔

Thanksgiving Part 2 ✌🏼

 For Thanksgiving today we went to Joel and Julie's house.  It was delicious as always.  Julie is a fabulous cook.  I brought a few sides and we have a great meal.  I'm so grateful for the amazing family I have.  I left a little early and went back to my mom's house to finish cleaning it out.  It has taken me hours and hours, day after day, week after week.  But she's done and looks terrific!

 

Thanksgiving

My first Thanksgiving without my mom.... Since it's our off year, I had a dinner today, Sunday, Nov 23rd with my kids (minus Sid and Jack because they left this morning for Texas to have Thanksgiving with Jackson's sisters).  It was the first time I've made stuffing and sweet potato casserole without my mom.  i may have overdid it a little on thr butter in both but they were still delicious.  She taught me how to make those really well.  We had a lovely dinner where Jeff gave a teary eyed speech on how much he loved us and how grateful he was for family. He said how empty it felt without grandma Gloria there.  He talked about how much we all loved her and the empty space that she left behind.  Jace had more fun dropping food down to Millie than he should have.  Millie was happy to lick it all up!  After we finished eating, I played with Jaceroni while the others played Cover Your Assets.  Then I gave Jace his very first haircut and bathed him before they went home. 

Chick-O-Sticks

 I sit here looking at these little Chick-O-stick candies in my hand. 

Simple little candies. 

Candies that my mom bought. 

Candies that my mom bought for me because she knows I like them. 

She likes them too.

She kept DOTS on hand for Alexandra, licorice for Jeff & Reese's and Chick-O-Sticks for me.  

For me. 

After she passed away, I took all the Chick-O-Sticks out of her candy bowl. The candy bowl she leaves out on the counter. I ate a few and put the rest in my purse. I almost can't even eat the rest because then they'll be gone.  But yet, I want to eat the rest because she bought them to be eaten.  How can such a simple little candy bring out so many emotions in me?